Welcome To Nightvale: You Might Be Here, You Might Not, But These Places Will Make You Feel Like You Are

This post is brought to you by the Night Vale Tourism Board.  They will show you fun in a handful of dust.  (This isn’t actually brought to you by anyone but me and Strexcorp, our favorite benevolent corporation.)

Welcome back readers.  Todays episode is very special because we’re going to get to experience the town of Night Vale together.  Or on our own.  Do we really do anything together with anyone?

Anyways, back to the news.   The Night Vale Tourism Board is welcoming visitors again now that the pigeons are under control.  They have been raining from the Glow Cloud (ALL HAIL) and causing a real mess on the road making tourism and traffic very difficult.  The pigeons are now employed at Ralphs and are doing very well.  Carlos, the best, cutest scientist, is studying the pigeons and their working habits to see how effectively they can be employed throughout the rest of Night Vale.


In other news, the Night Vale Boy Scouts are taking a trip out to the Bloodstone Factory to learn how they are made and how to properly chant around them in all of their future rituals.  And now, a report from the Night Vale Tourism Board on the best places to visit that are more fun but probably less safe than dirt.

Summersville Lake Lighthouse

This lighthouse may not be on top of a mountain (because they aren’t real, we all know that) with a flashing light, but it is landlocked, just like the mysterious lighthouse in the painting in the house that looks like it exists but doesn’t really exist.  This may be safer to visit, but you never know.  Say hi to John Peters, you know, the farmer? and Intern Dana if you see her.

“The sun is actually cold! It’s cold and empty, and all is lost. Greetings from Night Vale!”


A library

Definitely, don’t make contact with the librarians and if they try to approach you, run away screaming and hope the doors to get out are still there.  And whatever you do, don’t join the summer reading program unless you want to be part of Tamika Flynn’s army then of course join.  If you do go, be sure to pick up that Helen Hunt biography.

Your own home

You know you won’t be alone.  You’ve got the Sheriff’s Secret Police a whisper into your microwave away.  The Faceless Old Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home is always secretly there as a glimmer in your peripheral vision, turning furniture over and gluing books shut.  And finally, there is always the Vauge Yet Menacing Government Agency in the car outside your house.  If you need them, just put a slice of pizza in your government issued DVD player and yell into your cupboards.

Today’s air quality is mauve and speckled.”


An antique store

You may not be able to get in since the antiques are safely locked in, but you can certainly try.  If the doors aren’t open, consider bleeding on them a bit as that makes entry into anything easier.  And if any of the antiques get loose, whatever you do, don’t get bit by one or you’ll, obviously, turn into one.


If you’re lucky, the lights will be flashing ominously in the sky above with the Glow Cloud (all hail!) raining small dead animals.  If you’re not so lucky, it will be a regular old Arbys.  Maybe if you’re really lucky, it will be the 1:1 scale replica Arbys.  This is the best place for a romantic weekend getaway, everyone knows that.  Today, the word from our sponsor is “fizz.”

“I like my coffee like I like my nights: dark, endless, and impossible to sleep through.”


Nutcracker Family Restaurant

This isn’t as green as the Moonlite All-Nite diner, but it will have to do.  Get yourself some coffee, have a seat and think about your existence and what it means to drink coffee in a diner.  Imagine the coffee going down your throat and think about how it got there.  Whisper a secret into your empty mug to safely leave the diner.  And now, the weather.

WEATHER: “We Were Here” by Lights

Now, I take you to the Community Calendar.  Mondays will not exist in September, there will be two Sundays instead.  Wednesday will only be 12 hours but it will feel like five weeks.  Thursday is actually Friday.  Friday will be backwards.  And Saturday will be cold.  This has been the Community Calendar.


Dog Park

Whatever you do, don’t acknowledge the dog park.  Don’t enter it as that is forbidden.  Don’t look at it.  Definitely don’t bring your dog here.  And ignore the hooded figures you see inside.  But it’s not even real so good luck going.  DO NOT GO NEAR THE DOG PARK.

“Citizens are not even supposed to be consciously aware of the dog park, so they could not possibly be receiving a menacing and unearthly voice instructing listeners to bring precious metals and toddlers to the dog park! DOG PARK, that could NEVER, EVER BE REAL.”


This little town in California is very hard to get to since it’s almost impossible to leave Night Vale, but if you can get here, you may be able to get that pesky sheet of paper out of your hand.  Steer clear of the man in the tan jacket with the deer skin suitcase and join their summer reading program!

The best way to get there is to take Route 800.   You may have to keep trying if you never get anywhere because it’s so hard to leave Night Vale.  Honk.  Try honking.  Try again.  Keep driving.  Keep honking.  Pass everyone.  If that doesn’t work, take the bus.  Or a train.  Or fly.  But those won’t work either so get back in your car.  This has been traffic.


Rico’s Pizza

Stop into Rico’s Pizza for a delicious slice.  It’s not quite Big Rico’s, no one does it better, after all.  No one.  But it’s close enough.  Steer clear of all wheat and wheat byproducts though, which have been banned by the Sheriffs Secret Police, as you know.  But enjoy your cheese and sauce!

I’m all business,” I say, peeling off my skin strip by strip, showing you what oozes out. Business to my core.”

Starlite Lanes

It’s not Desert Flower Bowling Alley and Arcade Fun Complex, but it is what I imagine it to look like.  I also imagine there is a tiny army living under lane 5, so be cautious of that as you bowl.  You know what, don’t even bowl, that’s not safe and we need all Night Vale citizens in as good of shape as possible, so why don’t you just pick up those bowling balls and throw them around for a bit instead.


If you don’t listen to the podcast (or read the books) Welcome to Night Vale, this probably didn’t make any sense.  Proceed to listen to (or read) all (or any) of it, then come back here and don’t acknowledge the hooded figures, angels (because they don’t exist), the dog park, mountains (because they aren’t real, either), or the house the looks like it exists but doesn’t with me.  Goodnight, Night Vale.  Goodnight.

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